*USA shipping* unisex tee - For Christmas day lunch, thanksgiving dinner, doctor's appointments
$33.00
For the metabolically slow hero whose vibe is calorie-defying charisma and whose body runs on fries, soda and pure stubbornness. This unisex heavy cotton classic pairs plush comfort with a deadpan headline that reads like a medical chart scribbled by a stand-up comedian. Wear it to brunch, to the gym (for the vending machines), or while making eye contact with a doughnut and winning. It’s a statement, a shrug, and a giggle—all in one very soft rectangle.
Comedy only, not medical advice. For actual health stuff, ask an actual human clinician, not a T-shirt.
Product features
Shoulder tape: keeps seams steady when your willpower wobbles
Tubular (seamless) body for a clean silhouette and fewer friction points
Elastic ribbed collar that holds shape like your snacking schedule
Soft, durable cotton that prints crisp (not crisps!) and wears cozy all year
Ethically sourced—good threads, good conscience
Care instructions
Machine wash cold (max 30°C / 90°F) with similar colors
Tumble dry low—gentle, like your cardio
Non-chlorine bleach as needed
Do not iron the print (it’s already hot discourse)
Do not dry clean
Wear it with confidence. Results may vary; sarcasm does not
For the metabolically slow hero whose vibe is calorie-defying charisma and whose body runs on fries, soda and pure stubbornness. This unisex heavy cotton classic pairs plush comfort with a deadpan headline that reads like a medical chart scribbled by a stand-up comedian. Wear it to brunch, to the gym (for the vending machines), or while making eye contact with a doughnut and winning. It’s a statement, a shrug, and a giggle—all in one very soft rectangle.
Comedy only, not medical advice. For actual health stuff, ask an actual human clinician, not a T-shirt.
Product features
Shoulder tape: keeps seams steady when your willpower wobbles
Tubular (seamless) body for a clean silhouette and fewer friction points
Elastic ribbed collar that holds shape like your snacking schedule
Soft, durable cotton that prints crisp (not crisps!) and wears cozy all year
Ethically sourced—good threads, good conscience
Care instructions
Machine wash cold (max 30°C / 90°F) with similar colors
Tumble dry low—gentle, like your cardio
Non-chlorine bleach as needed
Do not iron the print (it’s already hot discourse)
Do not dry clean
Wear it with confidence. Results may vary; sarcasm does not
